You see.. honestly… it’s been a VERY hard day for both of us.. Phil’s been down and I’ve fought being down all day as well. This normally isn’t the case… usually when one of us is down the other is up.. therefore an encourager.. but, NOT today… whew!
I honestly don’t even know what I’m going to say.. but, just prayed and asked the Lord to just type for me…
The down/negative feelings started yesterday afternoon… you see I think it was/is because we had a LONG stretch with virtually NOTHING to do. We did not get to go see F and G today (Sunday)… so from 11 am on Sat.. until 9:20 on Monday (when they pick us up)… we have basically nothing to do… It’s bitter cold… therefore walking far at all is not desirable… we’ve watched every movie we brought several times… we’ve hung in there for a couple months now..and made the best of being ‘stuck’ here… but, this stretch has been the hardest yet for us… (we are torn between missing home (Bay and Brook) so much... and NOT wanting to leave F and G either)
HUGE SIGH… now… you see I have recognized all along that this feeling of doom hanging over our heads was totally and completely the enemy… and I have quoted those scriptures that the Lord has given me out loud and over this situation… I’ve taken authority over it and KNOW that God is bigger…. And KNOW that he is and will prevail!!!!
…I just wanted to share a bit of my internal struggles.. you see I think that as Christians we often HIDE behind what is really going on in our hearts and lives.. We want others to see us as having it all together.. we hide behind our masks (Marriage encounter couples… can I hear an AMEN! ;)) If we would be more transparent with each other… we could help each other through the struggles we face in life.
You see…. I know what my mask is.. and I’m trying so hard to not hide behind my mask of “valdicotian – head of the class – perfectionism” and be totally true to myself and all of you… If I can shatter my mask and share from my heart with you…(become more transparent) maybe some of you can take your mask off and stop hiding behind it as well… You know it’s when we really take those masks OFF… (ALL THE WAY OFF) that God can really use us…
You see the enemy knows exactly what you are going through… he knows the EXACT person, thing or situation in your life that will cause you to really question it all…. He has your number… your ticket… your WEAKNESS.. and he will use that to his best to destroy you….
For me… it’s been tiny whisperings of things like…. What in the world were you thinking? You’ve deserted Bay and Brook for this… why do YOU think you can parent 4 children.. maybe that judge is correct… maybe you aren’t cut out for this.. maybe you can’t afford to raise 4 children…
And then.. the real things start hitting me…. Like… yeah.. you look like a fool… how do you think you are going to finish this.. you know how much money you have…. You are going to have to fly back over here again.. you have another round of monthly bills about to be due… you ARE going to need to feed your children… and on and on and on….
Now.. you see the reason I am bombarded with these negative thoughts is because this is MY weakness…. I will just admit it…. I am sort of a controller… I like things MY WAY. I am a planner… I figure out a solution and I stick to the task until it’s completed…
And the enemy knows this… however, there’s NO solution to be had (in my fleshly thoughts/mind) when you are not and have not made any income since Oct… there is NO income coming in… and you are paying money daily for apartment rent, driver fees and translator… your bills at home are still happening every single month…. and you have spent THOUSANDS more than expected and still no positive verdict in court…
And there is no solution or way that I can control or change the situation with the judge… it’s beyond my control.. for the last 3 years I’ve had NO control… (during this adoption).. there was NOTHING I could do to speed it up, slow it down… or change anything… I have had to totally lean on the Lord… it’s HARD.. let me tell you HARD!
You see the enemy knows that if he can get my mind to start thinking about all those details… I will get my focus off the Lord….. of the promises that he’s given me…. And I will begin to worry… and then HE WILL HAVE ME!
The same is true in your situation… I know I keep saying this… but, I guess myself (I'm SURE it's me) or someone else needs to hear it again… we are faced with a choice.. I had a choice today. I could have listened to all those thoughts… I could have harbored on them… and continued to try to ‘figure’ out a way… but, I CHOOSE to again PROCLAIM the word over this situation the ENTIRE thing.. and TRUST MY GOD!
The bible is FULL of promises that apply to ANY situation you are facing… Just look… they are there.
The scripture that stuck out to me today was:
TRUST in the Lord with all your heart
And lean not on your own understand;
In all ways acknowledge him
And HE will make your paths straight!
It says to "trust in the Lord"… what does trust mean?
Trust means to have “complete confidence in a person or plan”….
Wow! Not ½ way.. some of the time confidence… NOT have confidence when things look and feel good.. but, COMPLETE confidence in HIM all the time!!!
So… we should have complete confidence in Him with ALL our heart!
Then is says… “and lean not to your OWN understanding..”
WOW. This. Was. Just. For. Me! I don’t understand… I don’t understand why things are and have happened the way they have… and I’m quite sure there are things happening in your life/world that you don’t understand.. PERIOD! The word says we don’t need to understand it.. just TRUST The Lord…
In all ways acknowledge him.. and HE will make your paths straight!
Now.. did you hear the last part…. It’s a PROMISE!!! It doesn’t say, “he’ll think about it” it says, “AND HE WILL MAKE YOUR PATHS STRAIGHT!!!!”
So… is there really a reason for a downtrodden face or a feeling of overwhelming defeat.. NO!
As I was typing that last sentence the thought came to me that someone would read that and say in their mind… but, Lanetta…. You don’t know what my situation is.. you just don’t know..
Let me tell you this… In Luke 18:27 Jesus himself (in RED letters :) said): “What is impossible with men is possible with God!”
No matter how impossible it feels or looks or seems… OUR God is bigger… He’s bigger than any mountain you might face (there’s a whole entire different passage I could write about!)… I won’t.. I will stop.. but, I could go on and on and on..
Our God is bigger than a judge, some paperwork or a country… and what he says WILL COME TO PASS!
He is still the same God who changed the water into wine in the bible… he healed the leapers, he walked on water, he fed the multitudes with virtually nothing… he’s the SAME GOD… he DOES not and will not Change.. the Word says… He’s the same yesterday, today and FOREVER!!!
We are the ones who limit him… we choose (wow.. there’s that word again) to live life and exclude him… (and we all really do this)… none of us are truly living in his complete fullness…
Help us ALL to be more like you..
I desire for you to radiate out of me, Phil, my 4 girls.. Lord.. I want our lives to be what you’d have them to be… Father I pray that we can become more like you every single day!!! Help us Lord to focus on you.. help all of us Father to ingest you… so that we can RADIATE you to those around us. Help us Father..and everyone reading this today to draw closer to you… I ask that you would move in hearts and lives today.. Lord, we do want more of you.. we desire to be just like you.. Heavenly Father show us the way.. guide us and lead us…. We put our hands in yours and give you the lead… Thank you precious Father for your peace, mercy and grace… You are my rock… and to you I cling!
(I promise to post more about Faith and Grace tomorrow.. :))I have a very honest post about orphanage life brewing… it’s sad.. it’s heartbreaking.. but, someone who’s seen it on the inside needs to share… PLEASE pray for every single child tonight who is living in an institution… it’s NOT where those precious babies are supposed to be.)