OK... so here I sit... I know there are those out there who understand how I feel tonight... my heart is breaking into... We've heard rumors of things in Kaz about gender preferences, and that our home study agency has to be Hague Accredited... if it's not... you have to start over with a new agency.... DO A COMPLETE AND NEW HOMESTUDY... we are devastated... we aren't sure, but, think that our home study will probably not be valid if this is the case.... oh my gosh....
Where do we go from here??? Phil and I have spent an evening quietly outside with the girls.... we went for a walk... played outside... and Phil and the girls even went fishing.... so we have tried to relax, have peace in God and know that he does have ALL things under control... I just lost all control when Phil came home today and fell into his arms in tears... sometimes I don't know how much more I can handle... but, I'm ALWAYS reminded that the WORD says, HE will not allow more to come on us than we can handle..... so, here I am.... at this place in my life.. in this adoption journey..
I know that God is teaching us lots.. and using this journey for so many glorious things... but, tonight... I just want to scream from the rooftops... or maybe cry from my heart, and bawl like a big baby... that I am ready for this to be over, and to get to my child or children... and get them home... I know that this is selfish.. and that I am totally rolling around in my own self pity tonight, but I think I am allowed at least one day...aren't I?
I was looking at our blog a couple of days ago... and I noticed that the calendar on the side shows we've been waiting on our son or sons for 9 months and 2 weeks... and it dawned on me that the reason I am having such a hard time the last couple of weeks.. is because my maternal instinct says that the time is here.... 9 months for a pregnancy... and so that means in my world this thing should be coming to an end...(actually we are overdue a couple of weeks.. :-() We are quickly approaching the 1 year anniversary of God speaking to my heart.... it was Sept. 20, 2007 and this journey began that day... I had a couple of friends tell me today.. that maybe I had to endure this for 18 months (2 pregnancies) cause I was bringing home 2 babies... SURELY NOT!!!!!!
All I can ask of you my faithful blog readers tonight... is that you please pray for us tonight... we are having a rough time... and I know the only people who truly understand are those that have walked this same emotional road of international adoption.....
So, I guess I'll sign off for now... I was going to post a picture from the fishing.. but, maybe I'll do that tomorrow... to tired to take the time tonight...
Thanks for the prayers....
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3 comments:
I sincerely hope and pray that there is nothing to this rumor, for your sake and ours. All of these rumors swirling in the Kaz adoption community sure make for an even tougher ride on the international adoption rollercoaster. We've certainly had our share of days lately of wondering just how much more we can take. I pray this will all settle down and the process will find a "normal" to calm all of our nerves and allow us to bring home our children.
Lanetta and Phil,
I am crying and hurting for you. I know exactly how it feels and you just want the pain to go away.....and guess what? It WILL go away - when you meet your babies and bring them into your loving home. This is the hardest thing that I have ever done....it may be for you too but you are right God does not give us more than we can handle. I read a post from our group recently and the dad who posted was talking about his child having tantrums and what to do. He said that "sometimes you have to smile until it hurts". I have said that to myself everyday since he wrote that. Sometimes there are tears when I am smiling....but none the less I am smiling because I am thinking of my baby. I love you guys!
Jessica
Hi- I want to encourage you but I feel the pain for you too! Ok- you just have to not give up. 9 months is not that long really. You know it took us 2 yrs! With every hurdle that comes in your path just hit it head on. If that means a new home-study- just do it as fast as you can. There is a reason for the delay. I promise it is ALL worth it! Don't let anything deter you. Satan would like nothing better than you not to be able to impact a Kaz child's life for Christ. Don't let your emotions rule you- just be tough a little while longer. But do cry when you need to- it's ok! I don't mean to sound harsh- I love and pray for you all!
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