A long overdue post is the understatement of the century. I have not neglected posting on my blog on purpose. In fact, I’ve had very good intentions to post lots of things. There is very rarely a day goes by that I don’t wish I had the energy at the end of that day to post. There have been so many things that I’ve wanted to share…. Creative ways I’ve attempted to help my family grow and be more like the Lord… and then there has been pain and hurt and discouragement as well. I intended to keep this blog going… and not be one of ‘those’ blogs who falls off the earth when the kids finally do come home… SIGH…. I had NO idea what it would ‘really’ be like when I had those thoughts… BIG SIGH!!!
It really is with mixed emotions that I sit tonight to write this blog post. I am just as tired as I was last night… and honestly, it’s most likely the Nyquil high that I’m on that is pushing me to write this. Here I sit another night when Phil’s out of town with work (there have been SO many of these nights since March 15, 2010 that if I start adding them up I get sick).
Actually this day was fairly good… I’d classify today as a “good” day for our family.
Yes, it was stressful, and there were times that were INTENSE, but overall it was a good day. Faith and Grace both had decent days at school and that honestly makes EVERYONES day better.
Yesterday was one of the worst for them.
I really feel as if I’m rambling and going in massive circles here… but, that’s what my heart and brain are doing as well… so I guess it’s just normal that my writing would follow suit.
I decided tonight that I was going to write about some of the HARD stuff we’ve experienced. I have yet to really be honest and share for many reasons. Please don’t keep reading my blog if you are not here in LOVING support of my family. And…. I AM NOT KIDDING! I really can’t handle it… and am not interested in listening unless you really care about me and my family. Friendly reminder… this is MY blog.. my families blog! Thanks…
Ok… so, please know that I share these struggles out of a place that is SO hard to describe. I love these babies. I can promise you that there is not ANYONE anywhere on the face of this earth that loves them as much as I do! I would do everything I did again and again and again to bring them home even if I knew what I know now…. I would CHOOSE to start over at day one and fight for them! I would choose to fight for them…. It is out of that very place… this DEEP amazing love that my heart cries tonight.
Faith and Grace have been home for almost 18 months. 1 ½ years that they have been OUR daughters… in OUR home… in OUR care!!
There have been times in those days/months/weeks that have been truly amazing. They have bonded with us in ways that have been astonishing. There have been serious triumphs and gains and astonishing ways they have grown YEARS in advancement. Their language has blossomed, their gross motor skills have sky rocketed, their fine motor skills have increased. They have advanced and changed and blossomed before our very eyes. That has been beyond amazing to watch. There is really no way to express in words how it has felt to watch them grow and develop and mature. Amazing and God’s prints were/are ALL. OVER. IT! Love watching him work!
In the midst of those amazing gains there have been bad days, and even worse days… and days were I struggled to hold it all together. There have been days were I wanted to crawl away hide. There have been days were I wanted some peace and quiet. There were days were they spit on Dr’s and nurses, family members and each other. There have been days were my heart broke for Bailey and Brooklyn and I begged God to please please help them to see past it all and know it was HIS plan. There have been days that I’ve just taken B and B and we’ve gotten away.
There have been days were all things went great. Everyone was happy, smiles, love abounded and all seems fine! There were and are days were the slightest thing triggers someone and they are over stimulated and over the top. There have been days were Bay and Brook were the stimulants. Sometimes we know and sense these things/triggers. Sometimes we have NO idea and are broadsided with it.
I have read books, attempted to educate myself, and brush up on all my childhood development/behavioral management classes. I’ve tried to remember what I learned in Grad. School…. I’ve called in help from co-workers, friends, etc. I have asked friends for help, asked Dr’s for help and tried every single trick I feel I have in my bag of tricks.
We’ve spanked (don’t read that if you don’t spank), put in time out, loved on, and tried so many different behavior management tricks. We’ve made charts, earned stickers, and had our favorite things taken away. I have educated family, friends, etc.. attempted in my feeble little mind to wrap my mind around and understand things like PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder/syndrome), CAPD (Central Auditory Processing Disorder) and RAD (Reactive attachment Disorder). I’ve tried so hard for not one second to dismiss that either of my babies could be suffering from one or all the above diagnosises. I’ve gone back and forth from trying to figure out the ‘why’ they are acting the way they are…. To not caring about the ‘why’.. just helping the now!
I have friends who are OT’s, SLP’s, and trained in behavior management, sensory processing stuff…. I’ve asked for favors, and ideas and thoughts.
There have been days (like last night) when I put my head literally on the table and bawled. Days were I’ve not known what in the world to do to continue to help them.
I’ve begged others to pray, taken them forward for prayer, and begged God to help us/them. Please don’t think for one second that I am discounting prayer or the amazing power of our God. I am not… Anyone who knows me or has been reading this blog for anytime at all KNOWS that I Love the Lord with all my heart…. My main focus in life is to serve him…. My life to GLORIFY him in all things!
People ask me how we are doing and I always second guess my answer and what to really answer. I want to be open and honest. I know that lots of times a humble heart and willingness to truly share our trails really helps others. I promised myself and the Lord long ago that I would attempt to be transparent before others…. Therefore hopefully helping someone to be more like him. I would never EVER want to not tell someone the truth, but at the same time I don’ t want the world to know how badly we struggle sometimes. How badly I struggle. I wish I had the answers. I wish I knew what to do… I wish I could see that I’m ‘really’ helping them. I wish I could just erase all the pain and hurt and sadness from their little lives/hearts. I can not…but, I know WHO can… and I TRUST in that! The word says to “lean not to thine OWN understanding, but with prayer present your requests before the Lord…” I am SO SO SO thankful that in the midst of feeling like a rag doll tossed about on a stormy cliff, I know who calms the storm.
Lord, In all things – I trust you!
I will continue to try new things, be consistent and love them despite the struggles. I will continue to support adoption and advocate for the babies still without forever families. The babies that I still see almost every single night when I close my eyes. The babies still starving, malnourished, and aching for love and affection. Babies who are being mistreated and neglected and babies who are tied in their cribs at this very moment. My heart BREAKS for those babies all over the world. However, I now realize that adoption IS not for everyone. It is NOT easy and there are times that are almost more than this feeble Mama can bare, but you know what… one day this will all be behind us and o what a GLORIOUS day that will be!
Anyone have some GREAT advice? Anyone have a super amazing trick in your bag o tricks that has worked for your institutionalized child? I am completely out of tricks…but, goodness would love a few new ideas!
If you really will pray for my precious little Faith and Grace (and us)…. Will you please let this Mama know? Reading that a few of you are ‘really’ praying would mean so much to me… and goodness we could use the prayers.
Big sigh…. Now to decide if I really post this or not! ;(
(Disclaimer: I wrote this last night, but didn’t post it.. Today they had another GOOD day! I can not even tell you how exciting it is to know they had 2 good days in a row at school. Believing and trusting for Day 3 to be amazing as well! Today – after day 2 in a row – We got to go to the ice cream truck! Yes, I know… sugar, candy, etc…. but, sometimes YOU are DESPERATE to find a motivation that is strong enough to work… . Guess what tomorrow’s motivation is - Nana promised them M & M’s… Honestly if that is enough to help them to have good days and make good choices... well, a little chocolate never hurt anyone… and maybe, just maybe they’ll gain a pound of two in the middle of all this! ;))
… and just so you don’t forget how stinking cute and adorable they are….
Here’s a precious picture I snapped the other day:
(well... I will attempt to post this pic later - can't get it to upload... darn Blogger - You'll just have to trust me.. They are BEYOND stinking adorable! ;))
Visit our website...
Click here to visit our website to read about how our journey to international adoption began... and how God spoke to our hearts to open our lives and family to a child who otherwise might not ever know him.
I can not even express the emotions when writing this tonight... today has been incredible... What a day!! We are within hours of ano...
First I’d like to start by introducing the world to our daughters! I know that all of you are checking here for pictures… so I won’t make yo...
Well, I finally made it back to the blog... It's funny, but the format to post, etc. has all changed.... Mercy - it's been a LONG t...
Thank you everyone for the SWEET comments, messages, and prayers! We are SO blessed!! Just wanted to share the picture that I wanted to...