Thursday, September 16, 2010

What do I even say?

In just a few days it will have been 3 years since God spoke to us to embark on this journey.... 3 years.
In that 3 years... I've made LOTS of adoption friends. All have either switched from Kazakhstan - and are now home with a baby, or adopted from Kaz. (most years ago).. and are home with their children.. I have lots of friends who have joined this journey and very quickly raced past us to the ultimate prize of that child(ren) who they've waited and longed for... I promise you that I am not jealous. I have thought long and hard about this.... I am NOT jealous! I am truly happy for them... humbled and thrilled that they have made it to their child(ren).... some of my original friends have even adopted sucussfully a 2nd time... and some are pursing a 3rd adoption now.... With every one of these adoptions I have stood back in awe and quiet thanks to our savior for yet again seeing another precious child find a forever family. I have prayed for these families... (I really have.).... I have struggled with these families when they have had delays.. or been discouraged.. or had to fight for their children...
Today as I sit here... I quietly wonder when God.. when will it be our turn... and when will our child (WHOM I KNOW GOD HAS FOR US)... come home forever... It's hard not to ? every thing about us, this process, the agency... obviously something has to be wrong... with us, the agency.... something somewhere is not as it should be...
We were told on Aug. 11th that they would have our LOI in 3-4 weeks... and the latest date that we could possible travel would be the week of Sept. 6th... It's the 16th folks... and still NO news....

I am wandering around through life in a daze... we are trying SO very hard to enjoy the time with the girls... make memories... Live life today... be happy in the 'waiting', continue to praise our Savior... continue to live our lives as we know God would desire us to do...
If this is a test.. then I feel I'm failing.. A couple close friends have said this is NOT a test.. .and I shouldn't look at it this way... well, then how should I look at this?
God is obviously trying to grow us... and I'm not getting it... I so sincerly "want" to get it... I really do..

I want to be EXACTLY what God designed me/us to be...

I am bombarding myself with scriptures and prayers... and attempting with everything within myself to keep smiling, keep praising, and keep on pressing on...

I have even fielded the questions of, "Are you sure your agency is NOT scamming you? I saw a special on TV the other night... and your agency keeps seeming to give you info. that doesn't happen, are you sure they are on the up and up?" I have answered those ?'s with the smile and a great 'Godly' response...

I know that our agency is not "scamming" us... God has a plan... and we don't want to get there one second before his EXACT time.

...and that my dear friends is what's in my heart...
I keep rereading my note from a few weeks ago...
It says,

Dear Lanetta,
I have started a good work in you. When you feel overwhelmed and at the end of your rope, look up and remember your help comes from me! Please don't lose heart in doing good for in my perfect timing I promise you will see a reward if you do not give up. Be confident that I will faithfully complete the things I have birthed in you.
Love you so very much,


Heckert's Highway said...

Ok girlfriend, here we go:O) God is Good, all the time. I agree with your friends, this probably isn't a test. I believe that it most likely is spiritual warfare. Remember when Daniel prayed for an answer from God and it didn't come for 21 days(don't I wish that were your case). Then, when the angel showed up he said sorry, I've been fighting the Prince of Persia, but God sent the message out right away. Spiritual Warfare.

We also know that God says that He can turn ashes into beauty. The God we serve does not torture us with years of pain and heartache. I know you know this, so I'm just reminding you. He doesn't torture us with anything. It is NOT His nature. Bear with me...He loves you, He loves your family, and He loves the child that He is placing in your family. So...out of this devastating wait, He is going to bring beauty. He promises it. He has strengthened and built your character in ways that you won't be able to see until you are out of this situation. He has matured your daughters and given them diff eyes in which to see the orphan. He has strengthened your DH in how he supports his family and I'm sure there are many other ways that He has brought beauty. All of these are the beauty that is being created out of the ashes. I don't believe it is a test you have to pass before you get your little one. He's doing something in the meantime to turn the painful wait around to beauty while you wait. Our enemy tries to get us to pin all the pain on God and ask God why and all those questions that we can't find an answer to. That way the focus can be taken off the battle that we have to wage against him.

We both know that God is not one minute late and that He has your perfect little man waiting for you. Focus on that and on fighting for your joy that the enemy is trying to steal.

I hate that you have had to wait so long!!! God has major plans for your son and he can only accomplish those plans through being your son in your family. There is no better family fit for him than you guys and I can't wait to watch him grow in love for you and the Lord.

I hope you hear my heart for you. I don't come in judgement of any kind, and I pray I haven't offended you. I remember the recalled LOI's and the wait. The back and forth craziness,and feeling like I was losing my mind. I'm not proud to say, but I sunk into a depression for a while, and I asked the same questions your are asking now. But....I can finally look back and see what God truly was making beautiful. I have changed in ways that I could never have imagined back then, and I'm so thankful to our Father for turning my ashes into something beautiful while I waited. He's pretty Awesome that way:O)!!!

I'm praying you hear soon, and I will continue to pray for your hearts.

With much Love,

Friends and Family said...

Perhaps the wait isn't due to anything on "this side" of things. Perhaps it's the child God has chosen for you - maybe he's not ready, he might not have even been born until recently. I know that the wait is incredibly hard & we seek answers from the only One who truly has the answers. During our adoption, my mother kept saying to me, "God's clock keeps perfect time". I must admit I found it extremely annoying at the time, because I wanted my own timeframe. But, I know now that God intended this specific child to be in our family & home and if we had adopted sooner or later, it would not have been him. Also, remember that God will not give us more than we can bear. I can only think that God has given you this journey, knowing what you can handle. Stay strong. You are being lifted up in prayer!

Stephanie and Gary said...

Lanetta -- I have not had the chance to read blogs lately as I used to and I want to say I am sorry for not supporting you more in recent months with the waiting you endured. We were neck in neck a few years back when we first began to know each other. I do feel certain that the right child has made himself known to you at this time, and when you meet him, you will see. I also wanted to share one of my favorite quotes by Franz Kafka that I feel has helped me. You are almost there my dear girl -- because I am reading this post after I know you are leaving. What joy for you, i could BURST for you. And his room .... oh his room, it's just beyond stunning in all its welcoming glory.
Well here is the quote:
"You do not need to leave your room.
Remain sitting at the table and listen.
Do not even listen, simply wait.
Do not even wait, be still and solitary.
The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice.
It will roll in ecstasy at your feet."
I guess the part I really mean for you to know is that YES, after all this waiting, and agonizing stillness, your world, your joy, your boy will be offered to you and it will be ecstasy.
Hope this makes sense!
I just mean, in all my rambling, to let you know how happy I am for your family, how much love and joy I wish for you at this time of your life. What a very special and long awaited time.
safe travels my friend!

And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name, welcomes me!” Matt 18:5

Visit our website...

Click here to visit our website to read about how our journey to international adoption began... and how God spoke to our hearts to open our lives and family to a child who otherwise might not ever know him.
God bless!

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