To let it all out... or hold it all in.. the million $$ ?

Well, I have so many things rolling through my head, my heart and my soul... I'm up and I'm down.. I'm excited and I'm not... I'm depressed and I'm over the moon!

I want to share some of my deepest feelings... but, I don't.. Isn't that just about normal for my current state of mind?!
Dear Lord, help me...

Ok.. so I am going to share a little... I have this fear that if I allow myself to really dig deeply within me to my inside thoughts and feels and really remove my "mask" I might seriously crumble... but, my thoughts today are that... maybe, just maybe someone else is feeling this same way and they'll read something here and realize they are NOT alone...

my thoughts are this....
I am tired... I am tired of smiling and answering the ?'s... I am tired of continuing to say.. God has a plan... we don't know why it's taking us so long.. or what the deal is... but, we serve a God who knows... I often feel like such a FAKE and FRAUD! My insides are SCREAMING.... does ANYONE realize that my baby is over 6,000 miles away in an orphanage??? Does anyone even care? Just as quickly as I want to SCREAM that... I realize that most (I said most.. NOT all) everyone who asks me does care.. that's why they are asking..
and then I feel so guilty for thinking those things and being so very tired of the ?'s and looks.. but, at the same time... if people weren't asking... I'd be upset as well... cause then I'd KNOW they didn't care... Not that I need anyone to 'care'... but, I guess I do...
URG! Do you see my mental state in all this???
and just saying that makes me so sad and furious at the same time.. because I KNOW beyond any doubts whatsoever.. that my Jesus does have the perfect timing for us...
I know that he hand picked my baby when the sperm and egg were forming... just for US! I know that God has not forsaken me.. and it all makes me furious that my feelings are so shallow..
Am I experiencing this very thing to make me realize what a shallow excuse for a follower of Christ I really am? (I know.. I know!)... I know it's all for a growing purpose.. and God does have a plan in it all.. and I"m sure it's happening to GROW me... to cause me... (the person who controls my entire world).. to realize that I've been controlling my entire world.. and that God isn't pleased with that... I have said he's in control... but, never realized I really didn't totally give that control to him until this.. I'm FORCED to be helpless in this...
There is NO way I could have raised the money.. there is NOTHING I can do to make things happen when I think they should..
God has the control.. and I in turn have to be his willing vessel.... his lump of dry clay that he adds water to and is forming into this beautiful creation...

Dear Lord.. please help me to trust you.. because I truly want to turn into the creation you are molding me into...

Expired LOI...

well.. the date that we "knew" we'd travel by has came and gone..
I thought yesterday would be a hard day for me.. but, honestly I didn't realize or even think of the 'date' until today.. Thank you Lord for allowing me to not realize it on the day!

It is hard though... knowing that it's expired..
The agency says the new one is coming soon... we'll see! In the mean time... we'll just wait and Praise our Jesus! :)

We are trying with EVERYTHING within us to stay positive, enjoy the girls and get ready to go.... :)

We trust you Lord... we TRUST you!

A note from God... yes, really!

OK... so, we received some info... it was entitled... good and bad news.. from the agency..
Good news is that things are working out with a couple of 'things' they were working out in country...
Bad News: travel can't/won't/ isn't gonna happen for 3-4 more weeks...
meaning... the dossier that they had me redo in March will most likely have to be redone.. this is the 5th time... This is dossier #5 for us folks.. yes, #5!

The emotions and absolute low I felt with all this news is almost indescribable..
even after processing the info... and knowing that 3-4 weeks will go by QUICKLY.. and that it will be better for my job related stuff happening... Phil's job, the girls, etc... IT was still tough... the ups and downs.. thinking you are going.. finding out you are not... whew... it's stressful on a girls mind, brain, and heart! :)

so... while I'm trying to remain positive... keep my focus on my Jesus, My God, my Lord... knowing he does have a plan... he hasn't forgotten us.. and that HE will come through for us... the the following note was dropped in my lap (it was SO JUST for me)... Just EXACTLY below:

"I have started a good work in you. When you feel overwhelmed and at the end of your rope, look up and remember that your help comes from me! Please don’t lose heart in doing good for in my perfect timing I promise you will see a reward if you do not give up. Be confident that I will faithfully complete the things I have birthed in you."

Love,
God
Psalm 121:1-2
Galatians 6:9
Philippians 1:6

How can anyone remain stressed or emotional after that??? Thank you so much Lord for EVERYTHING!! :)

Desperation post... or not!

Ok.. so, I've had this LONG post brewing and bubbling from within for days now.. but, having the or taking the time to sit down and hammer it all out. (or let it all gush out of me) is more than I think I can handle at this point.

There are some circumstances that I can't talk about on the blog... but, we were told we should hear something in 2 weeks (the 2 weeks were up YESTERDAY).. and we'd then travel within one week... (NEXT Thursday ish..)... but, I'm not holding my breath (anymore)... passed out from that one to many times...

We know God has a plan... he don't want to go one second before the exact moment we're supposed to go..

I go back to work on Monday... to say that I dread it is the understatement of the year... 1/4 of my co-workers are going to assume we've been and are home and I have pics of my newly wonderful bundle of joy... the other 1/4 know we've not gone yet.. and wonder what the heck is up... another 1/4 ask just to see me cry... cause they don't 'get' it, and think I'm a freak.. and the other 1/4 could care less...

Can I take a recording with me???
and what's insane is that in the back of my mind... I sometimes ? if this is ever going to 'really' happen...
hummm.....

Continuing to stand on the promises we've been given...