Well, I have so many things rolling through my head, my heart and my soul... I'm up and I'm down.. I'm excited and I'm not... I'm depressed and I'm over the moon!
I want to share some of my deepest feelings... but, I don't.. Isn't that just about normal for my current state of mind?!
Dear Lord, help me...
Ok.. so I am going to share a little... I have this fear that if I allow myself to really dig deeply within me to my inside thoughts and feels and really remove my "mask" I might seriously crumble... but, my thoughts today are that... maybe, just maybe someone else is feeling this same way and they'll read something here and realize they are NOT alone...
my thoughts are this....
I am tired... I am tired of smiling and answering the ?'s... I am tired of continuing to say.. God has a plan... we don't know why it's taking us so long.. or what the deal is... but, we serve a God who knows... I often feel like such a FAKE and FRAUD! My insides are SCREAMING.... does ANYONE realize that my baby is over 6,000 miles away in an orphanage??? Does anyone even care? Just as quickly as I want to SCREAM that... I realize that most (I said most.. NOT all) everyone who asks me does care.. that's why they are asking..
and then I feel so guilty for thinking those things and being so very tired of the ?'s and looks.. but, at the same time... if people weren't asking... I'd be upset as well... cause then I'd KNOW they didn't care... Not that I need anyone to 'care'... but, I guess I do...
URG! Do you see my mental state in all this???
and just saying that makes me so sad and furious at the same time.. because I KNOW beyond any doubts whatsoever.. that my Jesus does have the perfect timing for us...
I know that he hand picked my baby when the sperm and egg were forming... just for US! I know that God has not forsaken me.. and it all makes me furious that my feelings are so shallow..
Am I experiencing this very thing to make me realize what a shallow excuse for a follower of Christ I really am? (I know.. I know!)... I know it's all for a growing purpose.. and God does have a plan in it all.. and I"m sure it's happening to GROW me... to cause me... (the person who controls my entire world).. to realize that I've been controlling my entire world.. and that God isn't pleased with that... I have said he's in control... but, never realized I really didn't totally give that control to him until this.. I'm FORCED to be helpless in this...
There is NO way I could have raised the money.. there is NOTHING I can do to make things happen when I think they should..
God has the control.. and I in turn have to be his willing vessel.... his lump of dry clay that he adds water to and is forming into this beautiful creation...
Dear Lord.. please help me to trust you.. because I truly want to turn into the creation you are molding me into...
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6 comments:
oh Lanetta, my heart goes out to you. we are praying...
Oh, Lanetta. I know what your feeling, the ups....the DOWNS. Hang in there, the best is yet to come. We still have days (like today!! uugh!!) that get so frustrating that I have ZERO patience for. But I know it's almost over, and we are here for a reason. Sending lots of prayers and hugs your way!
God speed your travel dates.
Lanetta,
Thank you for sharing your real feeling !! You are NOT alone !!! The feelings of being helpless and trusting becomes so very difficult even when you KNOW God has it under his wings. I have had to come with terms that I must really let go and accept what HE has in store for us. So very difficult in many ways.This journey we are on has refined me in ways I can not have imagined and I am sure he is doing the same to you. I think of you often and pray our hearts will see the power of faith. As it says: Faith proceeds the miracles. Know that I am thinking and praying for you.Hugs to you my friend !
Anyone of us who has been through adoption feels the same way more then one time through the whole process..............feel better my friend and know we are all thinking about you and praying for you and that in time all your prayers will be answered!!
Darlene
Your feelings are so normal and you don't need to feel bad for feeling the way you do. You are just being real and I'm sure that others on their adoption journey will appreciate your honesty.
I'm sorry for your pain but so glad that you have come to the realization that the Lord is in control. Praying it all happens really soon and that you are holding your precious boy in your arms soon!
Love you!
Hang in there...time and understanding is the hardest to deal with in times like this. It is all a learning process, he never gives us anything we can't handle...even though at this time it is hard to imagine. Love ya, you're in our prayers. -Shropshire's
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